Fear

         Well, it's time I face my fear and fully aknowldge all the things I have been through in the past few years.  I feel that I talk about my rape and that I have done alright in the grieving process.  Not great, but alright.  However, there is another area that I have not dealt with well at all.  I told some of my family and close friends, but not many.  It was too painful.  Plus, if I told too many I would have to really accept that it did happen, that even after I survived being raped and sitting through my rapist's trial, that I was still allowed to suffer pain. 
            I didn't need to take a pregnancy test that month.  I just knew.  I knew before I was even late.  This was something I had wanted for so long.  I thought, finally, God is allowing this blessing in our life at this time to counter balance the pain and heartache of trial.  I was very excited.  I noticed small changes in my body.  I had a new love of corn.  And for those that now me, I did NOT like corn.  It tastes sweet and vegtables should not be sweet.  I even knew deep down that it was a girl. 
          Then I got sick.  It was the sickest I had been that year.  I was laying on the couch feeling exhausted when it started.  I called Wade and cried.   I spent the whole week one the couch.  I felt like I had let him down.  He wanted this just as much as I had.  I never went to the docotor.   I didn't feel the need to, I knew I wouldn't need a DNC.  I was still too early along.  Just a few weeks. 
           Just a few weeks.  That has been then phrase I use to justify my trying not to deal with the pain.  I will NEVER forget the first time I walked into a baby store after everything had happened.  I didn't expect the "what ifs" to hit me like they did.  I was fine until I got to the cribs and bedding.  I should have been picking out stuff for my baby.  I tried to hide my tears from my friend and quickly excused myself from that section of the store.  Even now, as I watch my sister go through the pain of loss and the realizations of all that will never get to be for her girls, I feel like an outsider.  I am so proud of her strength.  We have had the talks about how it doesn't help anyone to act like it never happned.  Why can't I take my own advice?  I couldn't even tell the doctors I had lost.  I know it sounds stupid, but I was so afraid they would blame me.  Why should they help me get pregnant now?  And I know it sounds horrible but I even tried to convince myself that I was wrong and that I just imagined things.  Thankfully, I have a wonderful mother, who tells me that it is not my fault and that she knows she has a grandaughter in heaven.  My husband told me that I was just too stressed from the trial and reliving my rape.  I know he was trying to help, but all I heard was you just couldn't handle it. 
                I fear the pain that comes with full acceptance, I fear the guilt that I have for feeling  pain from my loss when Daniel and Jamie's pain is soo much  more, and I fear that I will never get the chance to be pregnant long enough to feel my child grow and move inside of me. 

I Chose to Believe

               I will continue to put my faith in God.  I do not understand why my life has taken the path it has, however, I will believe.  At the beginning of 2008, I had such high expections for the years to come.  I was graduating in May, I was going to begin my teaching career, and I was planning on starting my family.
              All of that changed in one night with one event.  I came home from my friends house with every intention of just curling up in bed and going to sleep.  Instead, I couldn't unwind and I decided to clean a little.  Then, in the blink of an eye, there was a man in my house demanding I do certain things or lose my life.  The hours that followed were and still are a blur on most accounts.  What I do know and I do remember, is that during the entire ordeal I was NEVER alone.  God was holding in me in His hands protecting me.  I know some of you reading this are thinking how can you even feel that way, but when I called out to God that night He answered.  I do not have sense memories of my attack.  When I reached breaking point and I said, "God I can't do this anymore, I can't take it any longer"; it was over. 
               I thought for a long time that my rape and the trial would be the hardest things I would ever have to face.  After all, everything about my life had changed.  My relationship with my husband, my friends, and my family were completely different.  Life will never return to how it was before that night. 
                God has other plans, however, plans I do not understand no matter how hard I try.  This past Tuesday, I attended the memorial service for my twin nieces who died at birth.  Their mother, my sister-in-law/best friend, is a very important person in my life.  This is the woman who responded first the night of my rape.  She flagged down police and stayed with me until my husband could get home.  I cannot express the pain and heartbreak that I felt as I watched her deliver Ava and Mackenzie.  This experience by far is more heart wrenching that my attack and this gets me back to where I started.  I will chose to believe that God is in control at all times.  I am starting this blog to share His impact of my life. 
I will chose to believe.
I KNOW His ways are better than mine.
I know everything that passes through my life goes through His hands first.
I know He will not and does not give us anything we cannot handle.  (However, I really wonder how much can I handle?  Has my family not been through enough without this?)
More importantly, I know that my Loving Father takes care of His children when they cannot take care of themselves.