Fear

         Well, it's time I face my fear and fully aknowldge all the things I have been through in the past few years.  I feel that I talk about my rape and that I have done alright in the grieving process.  Not great, but alright.  However, there is another area that I have not dealt with well at all.  I told some of my family and close friends, but not many.  It was too painful.  Plus, if I told too many I would have to really accept that it did happen, that even after I survived being raped and sitting through my rapist's trial, that I was still allowed to suffer pain. 
            I didn't need to take a pregnancy test that month.  I just knew.  I knew before I was even late.  This was something I had wanted for so long.  I thought, finally, God is allowing this blessing in our life at this time to counter balance the pain and heartache of trial.  I was very excited.  I noticed small changes in my body.  I had a new love of corn.  And for those that now me, I did NOT like corn.  It tastes sweet and vegtables should not be sweet.  I even knew deep down that it was a girl. 
          Then I got sick.  It was the sickest I had been that year.  I was laying on the couch feeling exhausted when it started.  I called Wade and cried.   I spent the whole week one the couch.  I felt like I had let him down.  He wanted this just as much as I had.  I never went to the docotor.   I didn't feel the need to, I knew I wouldn't need a DNC.  I was still too early along.  Just a few weeks. 
           Just a few weeks.  That has been then phrase I use to justify my trying not to deal with the pain.  I will NEVER forget the first time I walked into a baby store after everything had happened.  I didn't expect the "what ifs" to hit me like they did.  I was fine until I got to the cribs and bedding.  I should have been picking out stuff for my baby.  I tried to hide my tears from my friend and quickly excused myself from that section of the store.  Even now, as I watch my sister go through the pain of loss and the realizations of all that will never get to be for her girls, I feel like an outsider.  I am so proud of her strength.  We have had the talks about how it doesn't help anyone to act like it never happned.  Why can't I take my own advice?  I couldn't even tell the doctors I had lost.  I know it sounds stupid, but I was so afraid they would blame me.  Why should they help me get pregnant now?  And I know it sounds horrible but I even tried to convince myself that I was wrong and that I just imagined things.  Thankfully, I have a wonderful mother, who tells me that it is not my fault and that she knows she has a grandaughter in heaven.  My husband told me that I was just too stressed from the trial and reliving my rape.  I know he was trying to help, but all I heard was you just couldn't handle it. 
                I fear the pain that comes with full acceptance, I fear the guilt that I have for feeling  pain from my loss when Daniel and Jamie's pain is soo much  more, and I fear that I will never get the chance to be pregnant long enough to feel my child grow and move inside of me.