Heartbroken

June 25, 2011 started off as a happy day.  I was a bridesmaid in my friend Jessica's wedding.  It was a beautiful wedding and I am very happy for the both of them.  However, shortly after arriving at the recpetion, I knew something was wrong.  I them discovered that I had begun to spot.  I stayed off my feet the entire time and left early.  I called friends and family and asked them to pray.  I knew that some women spot during pregnancy and it's no big deal.  However, deep down, I knew it was the start of losing my baby. 
Sunday morning was spent on bedrest prescribed by myself.  However, the spotting turned to bleeding and I had my husband take me to the emergency room.  We waited for awhile before being taken back for a sonogram.  Of course, in these cases the person is not allowed to tell you anything and you cannot see the screen.  Mind you, my first ultrasound appointment was not scheduled until Wednesday of that week.  I had not seen my baby or ever heard her heartbeat.  I know this woman was God sent, however, because she turned on the sound and allowed my husband and I to hear our child's heartbeat for the first and last time. 
After returing to my room, the doctor came in and told me that everything still looked good and that my cervix was still closed.  He said that time would tell and if the baby was healthy everything would stop, but if the baby wasn't, I would continue to miscarry.  He also put me on bedrest until Wednesday.  So off I went in tears to my house.  By Monday afternoon, I was going back to the doctor because I knew something was wrong.  This time my sister-in-law had to take me because my husband could not get off work.  I am happy I went because I got to see my baby.  However, the news from the doctor was not what I had prayed to hear.  Instead, I was taken to my husband's store where we cried and told our child that we would see them in heaven. 
By Thursday, I was in the hospital having a DNC.  I still do not understand why God gave me my baby for only 7 weeks.  My husband and I both know deep down  it was a girl, so we named her Madison Faith.  I have had a very difficult time with this loss.  I have wanted and prayed to be pregnant for YEARS.  Why did God bless me with this pregnancy only for me to lose?  I know that God has a plan and a purpose.  However, I just want to scream and cry.   Hasn't my family been through enough?!  This has been my worst nightmare.  I find myself wondering if I will ever be able to get pregnant and carry to full term.  The heartbreak I feel is unbearable at times.  I am greatful that I got to hear my baby's heartbeat and that I got to see her one time, but it makes the grieving that much harder. 

My God is a God of Miracles

My God is a God of miracles.  Nothing is impossible for Him.  He has shown that to me many times, however, there has always been one area that I have longed for a miracle to occur in.  For almost six years now, my husband and I have tried to get pregnant.  We have tried different doctors and finally last November I had surgery to see if it would help us concieve.  Nothing seemed to help.  We tried all those things loving, well-meaing relatives and friends tell you.  Just relax, put your feet over your head, stop thinking about it,...the list really does go on forever.  However, month after month was the same heart-breaking realization.  I was not pregnant.  Other people, with the exception of my sister-in-law, could get pregnancy easily.  It seemed there for a few years I always knew at least one person who was pregnant.  I finally made the decision that this month I would go to the doctor and start our last option.  Our doctor wanted to put me into medically induced menopause to reverse my condition with hopes that maybe in a year, I would be able to start trying again.  That is something that scared me more than surgery did. 
However, yesterday, Sunday, June 12, 2011, I realized I was late.  I had actually missed my period by several days.  So this morning, I woke my husband up from his sleep in screaming tears.  Praise be to my God because I am PREGNANT!!!!  I give Him all the honor, all the glory, and all the praise.  I know this blessing is from Him.  I know that my body doesn't work like it is supposed to work.  I have spent many sleepless nights in tears crying out to God for a baby.  I don't know why Wade and I had to wait so many years, however, I do want to say to all those other women who are waiting on a miracle that can only come from God, DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE.  Nothing is impossible for our God. 

Where to begin....

       So, it has been awhile since I have posted.  Funny how life seems to all hit at once.  I am now standing in what I hope is the aftermath.  Honestly, I don't know how much more I can take.  I personally think two breakdowns in a week is plenty!  Where oh where to begin. 
     Well,  I guess I will dig into the biggest problem first.  Good to get it over with right?  Well, it seems that I am really not handling this infertility thing as well I would like.  It seems that everyone I know is pregnant or has a small baby.  I used to be much better at handling the waves of emotions that flood me every time a see a happy mother.  Now, not so much.  All I can think is it is not fair.   It doesn't matter whether I think that the person is a great mom, I just want to scream and yell at God about how it is unfair.  I would be a great mom, too.  Why can't I get pregnant?  I had the surgery that I was supposed to, I ovulate, and my husband's health is perfectly fine.  How come it just seems like everyone else gets pregnant so easily?  Now, I am faced with one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make.  Hence, breakdown #1.
         Sunday started out as a wonderful day.  However, words that were meant to be encouraging and that were said out of love sent me into my downward spiral.  I know that people don't know what to say to me anymore, but please, just don't tell me one day I will have a baby or that if I just relax...   First off, you don't know that I will one day be able to have a baby of my own.  Only God knows that.  Secondly, I have tried all that crap about relaxing and not thinking about.  But after 5 years... 
        Anyways, my husband and I had to go by my father's house that night to pick up something.  On the ride over, I broke down and asked my husband if he could just tell me what we needed to do because I don't know anymore and I feel pretty much alone. I don't have a friend who has this problem.  My friends are all fertile as long as their bodies do all the things they are supposed to do. (side note for those that don't know me... I was diagnosed with endometriosis this year and had to have several medical procedures after which I was given three months to conceive.  I have not conceived in the allotted time and now I am suppose to get put into medical menopause for 3-6 months in hopes that that will reverse the condition enough for me to be able to get pregnant.)  However, I don't know that going into menopause is the best thing for me, my marriage, or my friendships.  I don't know if I can put myself through all that chemically induced menopause causes to then not get pregnant.  I become someone else each month that I think that I could be pregnant only to find out that I am not.  I told my husband Sunday night that I didn't know if I could continue down the road of trying to get pregnant.  I asked him what he thought about me going on birth control to help slow down the progression on the endometriosis and give up on trying to become parents.  I fear as time continues that the green monster of jealousy will rear it's ugly head at all those happy mothers and that some of them will no longer want to be friends.  I know it's all about what I chose to do with those feelings, however, sometimes it's just too hard to hide the pain and because of that, I just avoid the situations completely.  I shouldn't be raining on other people's well deserved joy.  PLEASE don't get me wrong in any of this.  I am VERY honestly happy for those of my friends who are new mothers or that are expecting.  There is just that stab in my heart every time that I realize it may never happen for me.  So, maybe that pain will go away if I make the decision to just not be a mother. 
          And back to the breakdown....of course, confessing all of this to my husband was not easy.  By the time we got to my parents the ugly, nonstop sobbing was in full force.  I sat down in their living room and just spilled my guts.  I told them what I had told my husband and then some.  I don't understand why my desire to be a mother would be so strong if I wasn't meant to have children.  I was the little girl that took her babydoll everywhere.  I even had the diaper bag.  I would rock her to sleep at night and ask the rest of the family to keep it down after I put her to bed.  This is all I have EVER wanted.  Why does it feel like God is telling me it is not meant to be?  So, I am very grateful to say that God blessed me with wonderful, loving parents.  They listened to me and never once told me that I was crazy.  Then they prayed over me that God would heal my body and grant the desires of mine and my husbands heart.  I would love to believe that means I will get pregnant this month.  But, I don't know God's plans.  However, my husband and I decided that we would forgo the doctors plans for now and that I will track my ovulation again this month and that we will try a few more times before I go into menopause. 

         Well, I must say if you are still reading, I am surprised.  I think I will just have to save breakdown #2 for another day.  I am exhausted.  I can't wait for work to be over with tomorrow.  I hope I can just relax this weekend. 

Excited

         It is amazing to me how clearly I can see God moving in my life in the midst of this storm.  I began a bible study at church this week with Jamie.  We are completing the Beth Moore study on David.  As soon as the church announced the study, I knew it was meant for me to attend.  I began looking foward to the study.  "Life" has always prevented Jamie and I from completing the other Beth Moore studies we started.  This is going to be the one we finished.  I know it is in God's plans for Jamie and I to be completing this study and this time in our lives.
        In studying, I see how God is using this to prepare mine and Jamie's heart for our ministry.  God lifted His hand and allowed Satan to move in our lives when He did and how He did because He knew it would NOT tear us from Him.  As a youth, I remember hearing the story of Job.  I thought, how, after everything that God has allowed to happen can he still love and praise God.  I tell you from personal experience of having your world ripped from beneath you, it was easier than I thought. (Please understand that I by no means am saying I have been a happy, cheerful person through my storms.)
        In Beth's study, she asks the question, are you allowing God to live smack in the middle of your life?  She then state's that she bets if you are, you have crossed a few Red Seas, tumbled down a few walls, and escaped a few lions.  The point she is trying to get across is that we serve a LIVING God.  He is alive, active, and He wants to make us living proof.  There are no words that can explain the feeling that goes through me when I read those words.  God wants to make me living proof.  This is why He allowed my rape. 
        When we trust and believe in God, when know that He can take what Satan means for bad and use it for good.  My life and what I had planned disappeared that night in July.  It has taken two years for me to understand that it was never my life to begin with.  When I set out my goals, I never once asked God if it was his timing for me to start a family right after college.  His plan has been, from before I was concieved in my mother's womb, for me to minster to women who have suffered like I have and walked where I have walked.
        Never, when I was growing up would I have thought God would lead me to where I am.  I hated having to speak in front of people, much less carry on a converstion with someone I did not know.  In full discloser, I was the child that cried at my sixth grade open house because it was a new school full of people I did not know.  Now, I am hearing God tell me that Jamie and I are meant for so much more.  We are to share what we have been through; the good, the bad, and the ugliness of it all.  I know this means that I will have to talk to women I do not know, sometimes even to groups of women I do not know.  However, I have no doubt that God will give me the strength and the words to speak to these unknown women. 
        I close tonight simply with this verse for thought.
     In our greatest weakness, He is strong.
              2 Cor. 2:14

Welcome 2011

Well here it is, 2011.  I have wondered what this year will

bring for my family. Will we finally get a year of peace and

restoration?  This weekend, I worked in 

the front room of our house.  At the time we were

cleaning it out, I thought of it as my room in waiting. 

We did not know if it was going to get to be my husbands 

office or if it was going to become my

sister-in-law and brother-in-law's room. 

amazed me how much I could relate to that room. 

This year is a waiting year for me.  I am waiting to see

what God has in store.  I am trying to be at peace in 

this wait. I feel like the past I have been just

trying to keep my head above the pounding waves of the

storm.  I saw a sign today that talked about learning to 

dance in the rain of life's storms.  I wonder how one does that.

How do you dance when your world is caving in?  It took every

ounce of my strength just to make it through the day. But, 

this year is different.  I feel that I have reached a new 

phase.  Coming full circle back to my room in waiting, I am 

a woman in waiting.  Waiting to find out, will I get pregnant? 

Will I have to go into early menopause?  What do the months 

ahead hold for my walk with the Lord?  When will I be able

to start my women's ministry with Jamie? Mostly, I wonder

will my wait be long or short?  My room was only a room

in waiting for a short time.  It is now my husband's office.

How long will my wait be?  Only God knows and I will find

peace in knowing that everything is going according to

His plan. 

I found a song on one of my old CD's that really sums up

how I feel about my past and what my future holds.  It is my

theme song for 2011.  I have listed the lyrics below.   

Sunrise by Nichole Nordeman 

If I had the chance
To go back again
Take a different road, bear a lighter load
Tell an easy story 

I would walk away
With my yesterdays
And I would not trade what is broken for beauty only

Every valley
Every bitter chill
Made me ready to climb back up the hill
And find that . . .  

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight? 

You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise 

There's a moment when
Faith caves in
There's a time when every soul is certain God is gone 

But every shadow is evidence of sun
And every tomorrow holds out hope for us
For every one of us 

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight? 

You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise 

You alone will shine
You alone can resurrect this heart of mine 

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight? 

You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise  

You are sunrise