Where to begin....

       So, it has been awhile since I have posted.  Funny how life seems to all hit at once.  I am now standing in what I hope is the aftermath.  Honestly, I don't know how much more I can take.  I personally think two breakdowns in a week is plenty!  Where oh where to begin. 
     Well,  I guess I will dig into the biggest problem first.  Good to get it over with right?  Well, it seems that I am really not handling this infertility thing as well I would like.  It seems that everyone I know is pregnant or has a small baby.  I used to be much better at handling the waves of emotions that flood me every time a see a happy mother.  Now, not so much.  All I can think is it is not fair.   It doesn't matter whether I think that the person is a great mom, I just want to scream and yell at God about how it is unfair.  I would be a great mom, too.  Why can't I get pregnant?  I had the surgery that I was supposed to, I ovulate, and my husband's health is perfectly fine.  How come it just seems like everyone else gets pregnant so easily?  Now, I am faced with one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make.  Hence, breakdown #1.
         Sunday started out as a wonderful day.  However, words that were meant to be encouraging and that were said out of love sent me into my downward spiral.  I know that people don't know what to say to me anymore, but please, just don't tell me one day I will have a baby or that if I just relax...   First off, you don't know that I will one day be able to have a baby of my own.  Only God knows that.  Secondly, I have tried all that crap about relaxing and not thinking about.  But after 5 years... 
        Anyways, my husband and I had to go by my father's house that night to pick up something.  On the ride over, I broke down and asked my husband if he could just tell me what we needed to do because I don't know anymore and I feel pretty much alone. I don't have a friend who has this problem.  My friends are all fertile as long as their bodies do all the things they are supposed to do. (side note for those that don't know me... I was diagnosed with endometriosis this year and had to have several medical procedures after which I was given three months to conceive.  I have not conceived in the allotted time and now I am suppose to get put into medical menopause for 3-6 months in hopes that that will reverse the condition enough for me to be able to get pregnant.)  However, I don't know that going into menopause is the best thing for me, my marriage, or my friendships.  I don't know if I can put myself through all that chemically induced menopause causes to then not get pregnant.  I become someone else each month that I think that I could be pregnant only to find out that I am not.  I told my husband Sunday night that I didn't know if I could continue down the road of trying to get pregnant.  I asked him what he thought about me going on birth control to help slow down the progression on the endometriosis and give up on trying to become parents.  I fear as time continues that the green monster of jealousy will rear it's ugly head at all those happy mothers and that some of them will no longer want to be friends.  I know it's all about what I chose to do with those feelings, however, sometimes it's just too hard to hide the pain and because of that, I just avoid the situations completely.  I shouldn't be raining on other people's well deserved joy.  PLEASE don't get me wrong in any of this.  I am VERY honestly happy for those of my friends who are new mothers or that are expecting.  There is just that stab in my heart every time that I realize it may never happen for me.  So, maybe that pain will go away if I make the decision to just not be a mother. 
          And back to the breakdown....of course, confessing all of this to my husband was not easy.  By the time we got to my parents the ugly, nonstop sobbing was in full force.  I sat down in their living room and just spilled my guts.  I told them what I had told my husband and then some.  I don't understand why my desire to be a mother would be so strong if I wasn't meant to have children.  I was the little girl that took her babydoll everywhere.  I even had the diaper bag.  I would rock her to sleep at night and ask the rest of the family to keep it down after I put her to bed.  This is all I have EVER wanted.  Why does it feel like God is telling me it is not meant to be?  So, I am very grateful to say that God blessed me with wonderful, loving parents.  They listened to me and never once told me that I was crazy.  Then they prayed over me that God would heal my body and grant the desires of mine and my husbands heart.  I would love to believe that means I will get pregnant this month.  But, I don't know God's plans.  However, my husband and I decided that we would forgo the doctors plans for now and that I will track my ovulation again this month and that we will try a few more times before I go into menopause. 

         Well, I must say if you are still reading, I am surprised.  I think I will just have to save breakdown #2 for another day.  I am exhausted.  I can't wait for work to be over with tomorrow.  I hope I can just relax this weekend.